Harry Potter and the Bittersweet Epilogue
by Laszlo Ramirez
Summary: Epilogue to the Deathly Hallows in the Style of D. F. Wallace's Brief Interviews with Hideous Men


**Harry Potter and the Bittersweet Epilogue**

 _Pre-face: I don't own rights to any of this. Unfortunately. I'm sorry for the English, which of course isn't my first language, and also I fear the characters sound a bit like Americans. I really don't know how to write in British English. Hope you enjoy._

\- Hello?

\- Hi, Harry.

\- Oh, Jesus.

\- Fuck you Harry.

\- You're drunk.

\- Just the bare essential to… to…

\- To…?

\- To avoid going Avada Kedavra on my face in the mirror.

\- …bloody hell.

\- Bloody hell indeed.

\- You can't do this.

\- What do you think this is? Do you think this is some kind of fatal attraction shit?

\- I don't know what this is. You should'nt make these calls.

\- Do you think I'm desperate? I don't remember begging for it in Cairo.

\- Please, Hermione. Please don't.

\- Again. I'm not Glenn Close.

\- I have no idea what you're talking about.

\- Glenn Close. Fatal attraction. It's a film. Have you ever watched a film?

\- Sometimes they let me watch the telly in Privet Drive. From a a stool. Behind the couch.

\- Fuck. I'm sorry.

\- …

\- You know you can still buy a TV or a computer though?

\- Ginny hardly let me keep the phone.

\- Oh I don't doubt it

\- Please Hermione.

\- Ok. What I want to say is: I just want to talk to you. I just want to talk with my best friend in the world. With someone with whom I shared the craziest shit.

\- You shared the same shit with Ron.

\- You can't share anything with Ron. He has borderline intellectual disability. Emotionally, more than borderline. Alexithyimic, that's the proper term.

\- Leave Ron alone.

\- Do you know why I've been with him all these years? Do you want to know?

\- I don't think I want

\- It was some kind of sex charm.

\- I didn't want… wait, what? Bloody hell!

\- Don't be silly. I don't mean he spiked my butterbeer with a love potion. I mean… I just mean… I was seventeen. I just had smooched Viktor before. I started shagging Ron

\- …oh dear…

\- and I kept shagging Ron and when we fought or when I was upset we shagged and when I realized… when I fully realized how fucked up all of this was I had two children. Do you think it's normal to marry your boyfriend from school?

\- I married my girlfriend from school. My parents

\- It's not normal. It's not normal among NORMAL PEOPLE. Among bloody muggles, I mean. But whatever. The fact is… the fact is, Harry, let's be adults about it, you've been the love of my life. But I'm not calling you for this. It's not that I'm awake and drinking and cursing because I ended up with Ron and you play family with that bitch

\- Leave Ginny alone.

\- Relax, relax. I'll leave her alone. It may surprise you, she's not even the Weasley I hate more. Do you want to know

\- No, I don't.

\- Molly. Molly is the fucking worst. Fucking Weasleys. Fucking pure blood wizard family. They're inbred shits. They're not better than the Malfoys.

\- Do I really need to explain you why this is the stupidest

\- Fucking wizards. Wizards are the worst. They have MAGIC and they use owls to send messages. Owls. They talk through fireplaces… which, by the way, are terrible for , like, enviroment. Only muggle borns like me and you manage to text or phone. Muggles got to the moon. With, I don't know, an oversized tin can and shit. No wizard ever managed to do it. No wizard ever THOUGHT about it. Probably if we made, if we wizards made an effort we could colonize Mars… we could colonize planets outside the Solar System… but it was muggles that went to the Moon. Have you ever thought about this?

\- I don't know. I guess I didn't. I'm not even sure I ever heard about muggles on the moon… I spent my childhood before Hogwarts in a bloody cupboard, Hermione.

\- Fuck. I'm sorry. I keep forgetting that…

…

\- …but, I mean, if you think about it, my childhood wasn't Disney stuff either. I risked to die, horribly, like every year. At the age I should have had my bat mitzvah, I was suffering burn-out for time travel abuse and being chased around by werewolves. And then… Dumbledore's army. It makes me laugh, but it's not laughing matter. Children don't belong in an army. We were child soldiers. Like in fucking Sierra Leone. I had to memory charm my parents… my parents! We saved the word, together. We saved the word together and now I'm a fucking bureaucrat and I live with a moron who talks only about Quidditch

\- I don't understand, do you think Hogwarts was hell or do you miss it?

\- Oh Harry or maybe, MAYBE, at an intellectual level I understand that Hogwarts fucked me up alright but ALSO this is what I am know.

\- You seemed at peace the other day. You seemed happy.

\- OH HARRY you're such a fine connoisseur of the human mind… I'm not a teenager Harry I'm a grown woman, a fucking good witch, a mother of two, I can manage to look okay when I take my daughter to Hogwarts for the first time.

\- I'm sorry

\- Don't be. I'm sorry. I realized now why I called you. I called you to tell you. That I have to leave Ron. I have to go

\- Go where?

\- I'm at my parents now. My father hasn't been well. But then… I guess I have to work things out. Maybe I will stick around until Hugo goes to Hogwarts. Viktor is coaching the Albanian national team, you know

\- I didn't know

\- So you don't follow Quidditch anymore. Kudos to you. He had to leave Bulgaria, too many memories, you know his wife

\- Yes, the dragon.

\- Poor thing. His son is in Durmstrang, they don't let them out even for the summer. So, as you have probably guessed, I've been seeing him lately. Viktor, I mean, not Laszlo. Laszlo is his son. Maybe I'll just go freelance in Albania, it's wizard Wild West there. No ministry up your arse every minute. There are clever guys there, also from England, you know, Ravenclaws, Slytherins… people my Department, which I joined to defend House Elfs, has harassed out of the country. I wanted to defend the oppressed and now I'm just a tool of people just as open minded as Dolores Umbridge. With the same ethics too. Fucking bureaucrats.

\- Are you serious?

\- Oh yes. I think I am.

\- …

\- You'll have to be there for Ron. He will be crushed. Or maybe not. Maybe he won't give a shit. He will find some tasteless, brainless wench in the Ministry in no time. He'll be happy, finally. And I'll actually have more time to see Rose and Hugo during their vacation if I resign, I mean from the Ministry. If they survive Hogwarts, of course. But at least now the headmaster is not some unrespo…

\- LEAVE DUMBLEDORE

\- OK, OK. I'm sorry. I didn't want to upset you. I love you Harry, you know

\- I love you too Hermione. I hope you'll be okay

\- I'll try Harry. Send love to Ginny. No seriously, I'm not fucking with you, send her love. Bye Harry. I have to pee.


End file.
